"It Was My Decision to get Clean, I Did It For Me. Admittedly, I Prob Did IT Subliminaly, For You"

My SAG letter came today.

It's better to go through the hell to make a life for yourself, and stand up for something, then to experience emptiness all your life.

When people choose emptiness, they try to take drugs to feel something. Not even drugs can fill the emptiness of a void like that, they just make the hole bigger.

- Joey JcM

Push Me, and I'll Change Your World

One day the pushers will push the wrong person. This time it's me. And no, i'm not going to take revenge, i'm going to come back with something even better.

- Joey JcM

Who Will Survive?

They'll all tell you your dream is impossible. Thats because they don't believe you can survive the hell you have to go through to get there.

Prove them wrong.

- Joey JcM

Why Does She Haunt Me?

I dreampt about her again.... Why is she coming back up all of a sudden? Why can't I get rid of her? I've tried plenty of times to move on with other girls. You know what they say "plenty of fish in the sea" BS, but at my heart, I guess i'm a hopeless romantic?
I consider myself moved on, but I just find it strange that I can't shake this girl... I'm getting all these "symbols" or "symbols from god" as some might say, about her, and she just won't go away.

I've had some great .. "girlfriends", or girls I was seeing after this one i'm talking about. They were wonderful. We had great times, and I was very happy. Some were alittle more crazier then others, but I guess thats the type I attract, lol. But even more so, I seem to attrack girls who fall in love with me, then disappear. In the end they wind up cursing me, condeming me, or never want to speak to me again.
Now tell me... how one goes from having a lot of fun, they express how they feel about me, then disapear... it doesn't make sense. I mean do I live around all crazy people? What is the deal? How can someone express they're happyness, were THEY are making the effort to come to YOU and say it, and then disapear, or totally become something they weren't.

One example is that I even had a girl SNEAK OUT OF HER HOUSE, TAKE THE TRAIN at midnight (I didn't know she was doing it until she....) rings my doorbell at 1 in the morning, just because she didn't want to lose me. This girl was actually the first girl I loved after THE ONE. She was everything I could have asked for. I never felt two people have such eyes for eachother. It was like we could have a whole conversation with eachtother without even speaking. Everything THE ONE meant to me, but without hurting my feelings.... but the thing was, her world was surrounded by hate and jealously. Her spirit was very mature, but her age was alittle bit younger, so I guess she was nieve and they sucked her in. I assume she was peer pressured a couple of times to pretend like she was something she wasn't, only she kept coming back to me, without her "friends" knowing, and apologizing and expressing how she felt. But then one day she had finally totally transformed. It's a real shame.

THE ONE did this to me too. I loved her world though. I loved her family. I felt like her house was my true home, as I was free. I didn't have an evil step father breathing down my neck, trying to complain about every move that I made. I was with someone I truly loved. Everything about her, from her inside, to her outside, her movement to her voice. Her body.
Was it the freedom that I dream about? The Love, and happyness as well? Or is it not really her i'm dreaming about, but see her face, because she is the ultimate symbol of everything I want, and everything that makes me happy? OR, is it infact her that I am REALLY dreaming about?

I think back, about the dark side of things... and she's another one who always seemed to favor people of less quality. People of hate and lies. She was about the same age as the "train girl" when that happened, only too finally seem to mature, and thats when we had good times... but, where is she now? Back with people who seem to live the same soulless lifestyle. People drink, people do silly things, but your not supposed to worship that stuff.

Was it really love?... was I just a fool who was sucked of everything that I was, and just thrown a bone every now and then to be tricked into staying around? Why Do I dream about her though till this day?

What am I dreaming about?

- Joey JcM

Sometimes We All Fall, But Being Human, We Have the Ability to Get Back Up.

She was the air in my lungs. She brought me to life. But how could I love someone who killed me so much? Was that ONE little piece of her worth THAT MUCH that I went through all that?

She was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and the worst. It's just one of those tragedy's in life. I'm just dealing with a psycho I. I mean what other sense can be made of it? How can I say she is anything but selfish? I am done with thinking "it waSsss meee", while she walks away being a hooch... but i'm the one thats wrong and all the bad things... hmmmmmmmm. But before her hoochness REALLY took off, we build so much, only for her to disappear? All that time it meant nothing to her?

I am ok now, and don't think it's a matter of WANTing to move on, I think I have. But she still has a certain grip on me. It never ended. If it did, I may be fine. But she will always find a way to avoid me now. Why? The last thing she said to me was that she basically loved me, and it had been after a long while of another disapeering act. Oh, and lets not forget when I see her out, and she's piss drunk, how she runs up to be and gives me the biggest hug ever... AND touches my a$$. JUST SAYIN.

Why do I feel this way? Some people might say "How can you love somebody so much?" or "Does that type of love REALLY exist?" Well.... Here's the deal.
Her mannerisms, what she was made of, her ideals. Her view on life. What she wanted out of life. How she felt about people and things. The way she moved. The way she spoke. Her classiness.
However way she did all this, whatever her way was, it was just made for me. It created something within me. It brought me to life, and gave me a reason when I had none.

Why would I NOT think about someone who did this to me? If we weren't working out then fine, but to just disapear? What type of species am I dealing with? Are women not from Venis, but from the planet Vigina? Where they take and capture males, on;y to have them work as slaves, only then to promise them food... starved and week, once they fall for the trap, the women on this planet then eat them alive!! ... thats how it seems to me.

I've excepted that her completely different life style says that I might have been lied to the whole time. Maybe she was just using me for comfort, and I was JUSt THAT entertaining. But it's just terrible to have something like that between two people thrown into limbo, and left there. Never settled, never answered. It not just, it's not right, and against the laws of nature.

She might say she gave me an answer... BUT. When one day you say you "love me" and a time later, you act like that never happened... thats alittle weird to me. JUST ALITTLE. I'm just a loyal person, and the whole debacle kind of made me lose faith in love.

Move on you say? Yea.... tell me why every girl that i've gotten close with really likes me. They do all these things for me, draw me pictures, we have a lot of fun.... and then... BOOM! EXPLOSION. They just totally change attitude and disappear. How the $#@%@ does that make sense? HOW DARE I MAKE THEM HAPPY! AH! It's incredible how after all the amazingness, most never wanted to know me again. buuut.. the day before they were so comfortible with me, and happy. Make sense of that! I'm talking about like 1.... 2... 3, atleast 3 girls now since THE ONE, so make that 4, who have done this to me.
I don't understand... if you wanna just "mess around" we'll do that. If you wanna go out, let me know. If you wanna break up, we'll settle it. Don't just fukkin turn coat then disappear after you just spent so much time building a house, only to leave it cold. Why does it have to be SO ridiculous of a thing?

It seems like though I was a rebound for most girls. People tell me now "Why are you so picky with girls?" Well, it's because when I wasn't being too picky, I seem to overlook a couple of things. Now, if I don't like you, i'm not gunna BS. Impress me. I'm done with reaching out to girls, because so many of them are not worth it. So many of them just go for stupid guys who are fools, inexperienced, so they can use them to make the people they rEALLY like jealous. Thats so pathetic. Why cause all that garbage, when you can just tell the person you like them?

I guess it's hard on both sides... I usually hate to vent like this, and only like to use my blog for inspiring words that come to me, mainly. Hey but sometimes, we all get alittle off track, and if thats the case, we NEED to go off track, so we can get keen on how to get back on faster. Ah... there we go ;)

- Joey JcM

Women.........

I love when girls say "Single never felt so good". Yea, thats what happens after you get rid of someone you never wanted to be with in the first place.

Take responsibility. Lying to yourself means wasting someone else's time as well. 

- Joey JcM

A Woman, or a Shell of a Woman?

It's the heat and soul that comes from the inside, that makes the outside feel nice. A Hot shape, is nothing without a hot touch.

- Joey JcM