Sunday, July 25, 2010

Why Does She Haunt Me?

I dreampt about her again.... Why is she coming back up all of a sudden? Why can't I get rid of her? I've tried plenty of times to move on with other girls. You know what they say "plenty of fish in the sea" BS, but at my heart, I guess i'm a hopeless romantic?
I consider myself moved on, but I just find it strange that I can't shake this girl... I'm getting all these "symbols" or "symbols from god" as some might say, about her, and she just won't go away.

I've had some great .. "girlfriends", or girls I was seeing after this one i'm talking about. They were wonderful. We had great times, and I was very happy. Some were alittle more crazier then others, but I guess thats the type I attract, lol. But even more so, I seem to attrack girls who fall in love with me, then disappear. In the end they wind up cursing me, condeming me, or never want to speak to me again.
Now tell me... how one goes from having a lot of fun, they express how they feel about me, then disapear... it doesn't make sense. I mean do I live around all crazy people? What is the deal? How can someone express they're happyness, were THEY are making the effort to come to YOU and say it, and then disapear, or totally become something they weren't.

One example is that I even had a girl SNEAK OUT OF HER HOUSE, TAKE THE TRAIN at midnight (I didn't know she was doing it until she....) rings my doorbell at 1 in the morning, just because she didn't want to lose me. This girl was actually the first girl I loved after THE ONE. She was everything I could have asked for. I never felt two people have such eyes for eachother. It was like we could have a whole conversation with eachtother without even speaking. Everything THE ONE meant to me, but without hurting my feelings.... but the thing was, her world was surrounded by hate and jealously. Her spirit was very mature, but her age was alittle bit younger, so I guess she was nieve and they sucked her in. I assume she was peer pressured a couple of times to pretend like she was something she wasn't, only she kept coming back to me, without her "friends" knowing, and apologizing and expressing how she felt. But then one day she had finally totally transformed. It's a real shame.

THE ONE did this to me too. I loved her world though. I loved her family. I felt like her house was my true home, as I was free. I didn't have an evil step father breathing down my neck, trying to complain about every move that I made. I was with someone I truly loved. Everything about her, from her inside, to her outside, her movement to her voice. Her body.
Was it the freedom that I dream about? The Love, and happyness as well? Or is it not really her i'm dreaming about, but see her face, because she is the ultimate symbol of everything I want, and everything that makes me happy? OR, is it infact her that I am REALLY dreaming about?

I think back, about the dark side of things... and she's another one who always seemed to favor people of less quality. People of hate and lies. She was about the same age as the "train girl" when that happened, only too finally seem to mature, and thats when we had good times... but, where is she now? Back with people who seem to live the same soulless lifestyle. People drink, people do silly things, but your not supposed to worship that stuff.

Was it really love?... was I just a fool who was sucked of everything that I was, and just thrown a bone every now and then to be tricked into staying around? Why Do I dream about her though till this day?

What am I dreaming about?

- Joey JcM

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