She was the air in my lungs. She brought me to life. But how could I love someone who killed me so much? Was that ONE little piece of her worth THAT MUCH that I went through all that?
She was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and the worst. It's just one of those tragedy's in life. I'm just dealing with a psycho I. I mean what other sense can be made of it? How can I say she is anything but selfish? I am done with thinking "it waSsss meee", while she walks away being a hooch... but i'm the one thats wrong and all the bad things... hmmmmmmmm. But before her hoochness REALLY took off, we build so much, only for her to disappear? All that time it meant nothing to her?
I am ok now, and don't think it's a matter of WANTing to move on, I think I have. But she still has a certain grip on me. It never ended. If it did, I may be fine. But she will always find a way to avoid me now. Why? The last thing she said to me was that she basically loved me, and it had been after a long while of another disapeering act. Oh, and lets not forget when I see her out, and she's piss drunk, how she runs up to be and gives me the biggest hug ever... AND touches my a$$. JUST SAYIN.
Why do I feel this way? Some people might say "How can you love somebody so much?" or "Does that type of love REALLY exist?" Well.... Here's the deal.
Her mannerisms, what she was made of, her ideals. Her view on life. What she wanted out of life. How she felt about people and things. The way she moved. The way she spoke. Her classiness.
However way she did all this, whatever her way was, it was just made for me. It created something within me. It brought me to life, and gave me a reason when I had none.
Why would I NOT think about someone who did this to me? If we weren't working out then fine, but to just disapear? What type of species am I dealing with? Are women not from Venis, but from the planet Vigina? Where they take and capture males, on;y to have them work as slaves, only then to promise them food... starved and week, once they fall for the trap, the women on this planet then eat them alive!! ... thats how it seems to me.
I've excepted that her completely different life style says that I might have been lied to the whole time. Maybe she was just using me for comfort, and I was JUSt THAT entertaining. But it's just terrible to have something like that between two people thrown into limbo, and left there. Never settled, never answered. It not just, it's not right, and against the laws of nature.
She might say she gave me an answer... BUT. When one day you say you "love me" and a time later, you act like that never happened... thats alittle weird to me. JUST ALITTLE. I'm just a loyal person, and the whole debacle kind of made me lose faith in love.
Move on you say? Yea.... tell me why every girl that i've gotten close with really likes me. They do all these things for me, draw me pictures, we have a lot of fun.... and then... BOOM! EXPLOSION. They just totally change attitude and disappear. How the $#@%@ does that make sense? HOW DARE I MAKE THEM HAPPY! AH! It's incredible how after all the amazingness, most never wanted to know me again. buuut.. the day before they were so comfortible with me, and happy. Make sense of that! I'm talking about like 1.... 2... 3, atleast 3 girls now since THE ONE, so make that 4, who have done this to me.
I don't understand... if you wanna just "mess around" we'll do that. If you wanna go out, let me know. If you wanna break up, we'll settle it. Don't just fukkin turn coat then disappear after you just spent so much time building a house, only to leave it cold. Why does it have to be SO ridiculous of a thing?
It seems like though I was a rebound for most girls. People tell me now "Why are you so picky with girls?" Well, it's because when I wasn't being too picky, I seem to overlook a couple of things. Now, if I don't like you, i'm not gunna BS. Impress me. I'm done with reaching out to girls, because so many of them are not worth it. So many of them just go for stupid guys who are fools, inexperienced, so they can use them to make the people they rEALLY like jealous. Thats so pathetic. Why cause all that garbage, when you can just tell the person you like them?
I guess it's hard on both sides... I usually hate to vent like this, and only like to use my blog for inspiring words that come to me, mainly. Hey but sometimes, we all get alittle off track, and if thats the case, we NEED to go off track, so we can get keen on how to get back on faster. Ah... there we go ;)
- Joey JcM