Friday, July 30, 2010

"It Was My Decision to get Clean, I Did It For Me. Admittedly, I Prob Did IT Subliminaly, For You"

My SAG letter came today.

It's better to go through the hell to make a life for yourself, and stand up for something, then to experience emptiness all your life.

When people choose emptiness, they try to take drugs to feel something. Not even drugs can fill the emptiness of a void like that, they just make the hole bigger.

- Joey JcM

Push Me, and I'll Change Your World

One day the pushers will push the wrong person. This time it's me. And no, i'm not going to take revenge, i'm going to come back with something even better.

- Joey JcM

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Who Will Survive?

They'll all tell you your dream is impossible. Thats because they don't believe you can survive the hell you have to go through to get there.

Prove them wrong.

- Joey JcM

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Why Does She Haunt Me?

I dreampt about her again.... Why is she coming back up all of a sudden? Why can't I get rid of her? I've tried plenty of times to move on with other girls. You know what they say "plenty of fish in the sea" BS, but at my heart, I guess i'm a hopeless romantic?
I consider myself moved on, but I just find it strange that I can't shake this girl... I'm getting all these "symbols" or "symbols from god" as some might say, about her, and she just won't go away.

I've had some great .. "girlfriends", or girls I was seeing after this one i'm talking about. They were wonderful. We had great times, and I was very happy. Some were alittle more crazier then others, but I guess thats the type I attract, lol. But even more so, I seem to attrack girls who fall in love with me, then disappear. In the end they wind up cursing me, condeming me, or never want to speak to me again.
Now tell me... how one goes from having a lot of fun, they express how they feel about me, then disapear... it doesn't make sense. I mean do I live around all crazy people? What is the deal? How can someone express they're happyness, were THEY are making the effort to come to YOU and say it, and then disapear, or totally become something they weren't.

One example is that I even had a girl SNEAK OUT OF HER HOUSE, TAKE THE TRAIN at midnight (I didn't know she was doing it until she....) rings my doorbell at 1 in the morning, just because she didn't want to lose me. This girl was actually the first girl I loved after THE ONE. She was everything I could have asked for. I never felt two people have such eyes for eachother. It was like we could have a whole conversation with eachtother without even speaking. Everything THE ONE meant to me, but without hurting my feelings.... but the thing was, her world was surrounded by hate and jealously. Her spirit was very mature, but her age was alittle bit younger, so I guess she was nieve and they sucked her in. I assume she was peer pressured a couple of times to pretend like she was something she wasn't, only she kept coming back to me, without her "friends" knowing, and apologizing and expressing how she felt. But then one day she had finally totally transformed. It's a real shame.

THE ONE did this to me too. I loved her world though. I loved her family. I felt like her house was my true home, as I was free. I didn't have an evil step father breathing down my neck, trying to complain about every move that I made. I was with someone I truly loved. Everything about her, from her inside, to her outside, her movement to her voice. Her body.
Was it the freedom that I dream about? The Love, and happyness as well? Or is it not really her i'm dreaming about, but see her face, because she is the ultimate symbol of everything I want, and everything that makes me happy? OR, is it infact her that I am REALLY dreaming about?

I think back, about the dark side of things... and she's another one who always seemed to favor people of less quality. People of hate and lies. She was about the same age as the "train girl" when that happened, only too finally seem to mature, and thats when we had good times... but, where is she now? Back with people who seem to live the same soulless lifestyle. People drink, people do silly things, but your not supposed to worship that stuff.

Was it really love?... was I just a fool who was sucked of everything that I was, and just thrown a bone every now and then to be tricked into staying around? Why Do I dream about her though till this day?

What am I dreaming about?

- Joey JcM

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Sometimes We All Fall, But Being Human, We Have the Ability to Get Back Up.

She was the air in my lungs. She brought me to life. But how could I love someone who killed me so much? Was that ONE little piece of her worth THAT MUCH that I went through all that?

She was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and the worst. It's just one of those tragedy's in life. I'm just dealing with a psycho I. I mean what other sense can be made of it? How can I say she is anything but selfish? I am done with thinking "it waSsss meee", while she walks away being a hooch... but i'm the one thats wrong and all the bad things... hmmmmmmmm. But before her hoochness REALLY took off, we build so much, only for her to disappear? All that time it meant nothing to her?

I am ok now, and don't think it's a matter of WANTing to move on, I think I have. But she still has a certain grip on me. It never ended. If it did, I may be fine. But she will always find a way to avoid me now. Why? The last thing she said to me was that she basically loved me, and it had been after a long while of another disapeering act. Oh, and lets not forget when I see her out, and she's piss drunk, how she runs up to be and gives me the biggest hug ever... AND touches my a$$. JUST SAYIN.

Why do I feel this way? Some people might say "How can you love somebody so much?" or "Does that type of love REALLY exist?" Well.... Here's the deal.
Her mannerisms, what she was made of, her ideals. Her view on life. What she wanted out of life. How she felt about people and things. The way she moved. The way she spoke. Her classiness.
However way she did all this, whatever her way was, it was just made for me. It created something within me. It brought me to life, and gave me a reason when I had none.

Why would I NOT think about someone who did this to me? If we weren't working out then fine, but to just disapear? What type of species am I dealing with? Are women not from Venis, but from the planet Vigina? Where they take and capture males, on;y to have them work as slaves, only then to promise them food... starved and week, once they fall for the trap, the women on this planet then eat them alive!! ... thats how it seems to me.

I've excepted that her completely different life style says that I might have been lied to the whole time. Maybe she was just using me for comfort, and I was JUSt THAT entertaining. But it's just terrible to have something like that between two people thrown into limbo, and left there. Never settled, never answered. It not just, it's not right, and against the laws of nature.

She might say she gave me an answer... BUT. When one day you say you "love me" and a time later, you act like that never happened... thats alittle weird to me. JUST ALITTLE. I'm just a loyal person, and the whole debacle kind of made me lose faith in love.

Move on you say? Yea.... tell me why every girl that i've gotten close with really likes me. They do all these things for me, draw me pictures, we have a lot of fun.... and then... BOOM! EXPLOSION. They just totally change attitude and disappear. How the $#@%@ does that make sense? HOW DARE I MAKE THEM HAPPY! AH! It's incredible how after all the amazingness, most never wanted to know me again. buuut.. the day before they were so comfortible with me, and happy. Make sense of that! I'm talking about like 1.... 2... 3, atleast 3 girls now since THE ONE, so make that 4, who have done this to me.
I don't understand... if you wanna just "mess around" we'll do that. If you wanna go out, let me know. If you wanna break up, we'll settle it. Don't just fukkin turn coat then disappear after you just spent so much time building a house, only to leave it cold. Why does it have to be SO ridiculous of a thing?

It seems like though I was a rebound for most girls. People tell me now "Why are you so picky with girls?" Well, it's because when I wasn't being too picky, I seem to overlook a couple of things. Now, if I don't like you, i'm not gunna BS. Impress me. I'm done with reaching out to girls, because so many of them are not worth it. So many of them just go for stupid guys who are fools, inexperienced, so they can use them to make the people they rEALLY like jealous. Thats so pathetic. Why cause all that garbage, when you can just tell the person you like them?

I guess it's hard on both sides... I usually hate to vent like this, and only like to use my blog for inspiring words that come to me, mainly. Hey but sometimes, we all get alittle off track, and if thats the case, we NEED to go off track, so we can get keen on how to get back on faster. Ah... there we go ;)

- Joey JcM

Friday, July 16, 2010


I love when girls say "Single never felt so good". Yea, thats what happens after you get rid of someone you never wanted to be with in the first place.

Take responsibility. Lying to yourself means wasting someone else's time as well. 

- Joey JcM

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

A Woman, or a Shell of a Woman?

It's the heat and soul that comes from the inside, that makes the outside feel nice. A Hot shape, is nothing without a hot touch.

- Joey JcM

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Relationship With Life

Sometimes, life can't always bring YOU excitement. You have to know what you love. YOU have to be excited for life! Because when your excited for life, thats when it gives back to you the most!

Your relationship with life is just as if you were to have a relationship with another person! Everything is a circle ;)

- Joey JcM

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I Have to Fight My Own Heart, and Feelings, Because of What the Other Person Stands For

I HAVE to move on....

Tonight I went to send her a message again. I just got Twilight: New Moon in from Netflix. It's a series another love that I had got me into. It's weird though, it always comes back to the first one...

But then I said to myself "I can't stand for this, because I am more". I can't stand for the feeling that someone I loved.. the love of my life, didn't have the same eyes for me. She claimed she did, but it never seemed that way, I guess thats why I suffered so much. Hurting myself. Kinda like, trying to make your self believe you don't need food to live. With out food I was starving... dying.

There's a line to where someone needs help to let out there feelings, and when they are just outright using you. And everyday, alittle bit more of your life drains... and they go out and use the life you gave them, while you sit home in pain.... devoid of the energy that you gave away.

When I look back now, I know to ME, she was the love of my life. But then when I think of it on her side, I was just another guy, passing in the wind, and the only reason why I was in her life as much as I was, was because I was sacrificing too much of my own. That is my feelings.

What do I choose? To not settle, and continue to believe in the love that I have for this girl, even if she doesn't love me?
Do I realize that I have to become more, and stand up against my feelings. Because the thought of marrying someone like that. She neglected me, which turned me into a monster. What if she were to do that to our kids? Or even something worse? Try to turn them against me?

Then what does my love for her mean? I'm still willing to love a girl that is causing the rest of my world to be destroyed? My heart is telling me she's the one, as i watched everything around me burn? As it already was so.....

It's a hard feeling to live with.. In my heart, I am not one to settle... but then, because of what she stand for, I have to live the rest of my life fighting my own heart?

It's been about 4 years now....

There was only ONE girl who brought me back to life. She actually showed me what it was like to be in love, and have the person act and feel the same way I did. This girl brought me back to life, and gave me the power to fight the love of my life. Gave me a reason to stand up and not go back. She was the only one to ever make me love again. But just so to she was adamant about her love for me, she is adamant about all her decisions, and she made the wrong one. Her too, I see now having a different face....

I don't understand how someone can stand for so much, and do so much to PROVE what they love and stand for, and then really try to live like they don't stand for those things anymore. It must destroy them inside. The evidence is on the outside.

I know I can't do that. I cannot stand for someone who doesn't love me, but claim that they do.... or did even. What is the point of telling me this, if they seem to have no point in talking to you, but just to get your approval, so they don't feel as bad. Thats what makes me me. And if the one thing I have left to love, is that of myself.

- Joey JcM

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

If We Knew Who We Were, We Wouldn't Have to Fight

We fight each other because we don't know what we are. We think by spilling someone else's blood it give us a false pretense that we might be ready for something that comes for us one day.. Wether it be disease, or something we don't even know is out there.

People of different religions fight each other, because they want to please the "god" that they really have no idea about. Because they have no idea, thats what creates the fear, and then the blindness that comes shortly after.

Killing is just a super hard hug, when someone is so scared that they hold on too tight.

This is exactly why we have to come together! We must discover what we are, and what is exactly out there!

I think we've waited for god long enough. I think it's time we go out there and find him!

If we find out what is out there, and get some more answers, we can go on with our true purpose in life. To have our hearts beat, and to love.

- Joey JcM