Thursday, July 8, 2010

I Have to Fight My Own Heart, and Feelings, Because of What the Other Person Stands For

I HAVE to move on....

Tonight I went to send her a message again. I just got Twilight: New Moon in from Netflix. It's a series another love that I had got me into. It's weird though, it always comes back to the first one...

But then I said to myself "I can't stand for this, because I am more". I can't stand for the feeling that someone I loved.. the love of my life, didn't have the same eyes for me. She claimed she did, but it never seemed that way, I guess thats why I suffered so much. Hurting myself. Kinda like, trying to make your self believe you don't need food to live. With out food I was starving... dying.

There's a line to where someone needs help to let out there feelings, and when they are just outright using you. And everyday, alittle bit more of your life drains... and they go out and use the life you gave them, while you sit home in pain.... devoid of the energy that you gave away.

When I look back now, I know to ME, she was the love of my life. But then when I think of it on her side, I was just another guy, passing in the wind, and the only reason why I was in her life as much as I was, was because I was sacrificing too much of my own. That is my feelings.

What do I choose? To not settle, and continue to believe in the love that I have for this girl, even if she doesn't love me?
Do I realize that I have to become more, and stand up against my feelings. Because the thought of marrying someone like that. She neglected me, which turned me into a monster. What if she were to do that to our kids? Or even something worse? Try to turn them against me?

Then what does my love for her mean? I'm still willing to love a girl that is causing the rest of my world to be destroyed? My heart is telling me she's the one, as i watched everything around me burn? As it already was so.....

It's a hard feeling to live with.. In my heart, I am not one to settle... but then, because of what she stand for, I have to live the rest of my life fighting my own heart?

It's been about 4 years now....

There was only ONE girl who brought me back to life. She actually showed me what it was like to be in love, and have the person act and feel the same way I did. This girl brought me back to life, and gave me the power to fight the love of my life. Gave me a reason to stand up and not go back. She was the only one to ever make me love again. But just so to she was adamant about her love for me, she is adamant about all her decisions, and she made the wrong one. Her too, I see now having a different face....

I don't understand how someone can stand for so much, and do so much to PROVE what they love and stand for, and then really try to live like they don't stand for those things anymore. It must destroy them inside. The evidence is on the outside.

I know I can't do that. I cannot stand for someone who doesn't love me, but claim that they do.... or did even. What is the point of telling me this, if they seem to have no point in talking to you, but just to get your approval, so they don't feel as bad. Thats what makes me me. And if the one thing I have left to love, is that of myself.

- Joey JcM

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